I must remember this

mine is not a better way, mine is merely another way

-Neale Donald Walsh

The Tail of Lizzy

A bright green lizard just crawled under my front door. He was about 6 inches long, and rather cute, so I instantly said "I shall name you Lizzy!But you can't stay here Lizzy, you must be an outdoor lizard, so out you go!"

I got a bowl and manila envelope to try and catch him. I decided I could put the bowl over him, slide the manila envelope under it, and take Lizzy back out side.

Lizzy didn't like that idea much, so he started up the wall, thus earning the notice of the giant ball of fur we call a dog.

(can you see where this is going?)

I'm tying to catch Lizzy. Furball is trying to EAT Lizzy and Lizzy does not want any of that. So Lizzy tries to make a break for it. Right at me. Now, I'm screeching in that girl meets spider/bug/insect voice, Furball is scrambling on the tile trying to catch the tasty green morsel that is getting away, Izzy is terribly excited by all the commotion, and Lizzy is making a mad dash for the toy box, which offers apparent lizard sanctuary.

I am, of course, in between the dog, the lizard, and the toy box. So I am dodging Lizzy, trying not to get barreled over by a giant ball of fur, and shrieking like a school girl. Lizzy makes it to the toy box, which just send Furball into a toy box knocking over tizzy of spasmodic proportions.

He catches the lizard.

Now I am yelling at the dog to let go of the lizard, and get the dog out of the house, so when he lets go, Lizzy can be free.

No such luck. Lizzy is no more.

I put Furball outside, just in case lizards don't digest well, if you know what I mean.

I walk back in, and Izzy hands me the still twitching tail of Lizzy. Just what every mother wants, a twitching lizard tail from their toddler. I'm just glad he didn't try to eat it.

This is my life, I swear to you, I could not make this up!

Reunion shmounion

Our 20th class reunion is coming up this weekend. Actually it our 19th year, but they are combining 1990 and 1991. We are not going, because I am just to spending that much money to fly six of us back to the other side of the country to see people that I haven't seen in 19 years, and frankly didn't like that much back then anyway!

Palmer was all for us attending the reunion, even to the point of making it a cross country family trip in the car. Um... NO. Those people that matter to me, I am in touch with all the time and miles apart don't factor in. The other people whom I haven't seen since the 10 year reunion aren't all that important in the scheme of my life, and if I really wanted to see them, I'd just Facebook them. And honestly, I don't remember much about my 10 year reunion anyway because I was on deaths door step at the time anyway. (Seriously, I nearly died and ended up in the hospital for a long time - but that is another story for another day)

Palmer has always been the type of person that remembers people. He'll say to me "remember that guy that we met 18 years ago at the party hosted by some other guy, and you only met them for maybe 3 minutes and have never seen them since, and why don't you remember them, how could you forget?" Or maybe I'm paraphrasing. Anyway, the point is Palmer remembers people who never even made a blip on my radar. He can meet a person and is instantly friends with them and thus has great legions of friends spread out all over the world. I, on the other hand, have a handful of friends and take a long time to let anyone into my "inner circle", but once you are there - you pretty much are never gonna get out unless you turn out to be some huge douchepickle.

But all this reunion talk has got me thinking about how long ago it was that I was in high school. I remember when MY parents went to their 20th reunion, and they were OLD people at the time. I am certainly not OLD and therefore cannot possibly be having my 10th class reunion. Wow! Did you catch the slip? I am in such denial that I typed 10th class reunion. See - There is no possible way I could be ready for my 20th!

Just pick one, already!

My Dearest Mother Nature,

I thank you so much for giving me a wonderful world to live in. I am a huge fan of your fall collections! The colors, the cool air, the crisp evenings. I just love it all. It is very hard for me to criticize you. After all, you have been doing this job for many, many years. You know your stuff.

However.... (you just knew that was coming, didn't you?)

I am not a huge fan of the gray hair that I constantly need to cover up, when it is combined with a pimply breakout so massive, so huge, of such epic proportions, that even scrawny A/V club teenagers are shirking away from me in horror. I feel that I have indeed put in my "dues" and I can live with the gray hair, but I cannot tolerate the nasty pustule filled sores. I am no longer a teenager; I am in fact a decade or so past teenybopper, and there for demand that you take back the teen skin that you have cursed me with this past week.

Gary hair or pimples. You can have one. Not both.

Sincerely,

Dayle

Who vastly prefers gray over a pimply forehead.

Little Miss Muffett

We have giant cranes that come through the back almost every day. They stand between 4 1/2 and 5 feet tall. They stick their long beaks into the ground to eat worms and bugs. They have a very loud distinctive cry. Izzy is totally fascinated by them. So when they came by this morning (we generally see them in the afternoon, so he was super excited) we went out to the pool area and watched them. Bryce loves to throw them crackers or bread crusts. I'm a tad intimidated by their long wicked very sharp looking beaks, so I prefer to stand inside the screened pool area. Izzy would be out chasing them down if he could.

Coming back into the house I noticed some black hairy legs hanging over the top of the patio door. I slid it all the way open, and giant (ok, moderately big) hairy spider popped over the top at me. Ever since I found a spider here in the Florida with the body the size of my cell phone (kid you not! It would have given Godzilla a run for his money) I have had to readjust my descriptive of a giant spider. I have a thing about spiders - there is no such thing as a good spider - they all deserve to be squashed flat, generally while I am screaming and squealing like a little girl. The damn hairy beast is in an area I can't reach a shoe, and I sure as hell don't want him jumping down on me while I try to whack him. So I'm not doing anything about him... Except keep checking on the door to be DAMN SURE he is on the outside, and doesn't find some fiendish way to get over onto my side. I know I will have spider nightmares tonight. I already have a major case of "willies".

Them's some tasty legs!

I just chased Izzy down and licked frosting off of his chubby little baby leg...

It is far less cannibalistic than it sounds. I swear.

In an effort to get out of the friggen house before I go completely insane, um I meant to say...

In an effort to get out of the house and start meeting people, I signed up to take a cake decorating class at a local cupcake bakery. Besides a weekly chance to get out of the house, meet some very nice people, and a chance to partake in some very tasty cupcakes (nom nom nom), I am also learning a very handy skill. Or at least I hope it will be a handy skill. I do love to bake, so decorating the things I love to bake could be fun.

Each week we need to bring our own butter cream frosting to class. (yummm, butter cream). So today I whipped up a batch, dyed it blue for fun, and let Izzy lick the spatula. Something he has never gotten to do before. Instant hit!

But then I noticed a dab of blue on his leg after I washed him all off.

So, of course, I chased him down, scooped him up, and licked his leg.

My imaginary business venture

Dear Boring Webinar Company,

After an extensive and exhaustive polling process (aka talking to my friend) we (well,I - but we sounds so much more official) have determined that your webinars are extremely dull and dry. But don't dispare! (a little added drama to get them on the hook) Dayle's Webinar Enhancement Services are here! (Catchy business title, no?) For a nominal fee (and by nominal I mean write me a great big fat check) DWES (hum, that sounds like a radio station. I may have to change the name) can enhance your webinars so that your target audience (my friend) is no longer disinterested (reduced to tears) about viewing your webinars. You may choose from one or more (more! Choose more! so I can charge more!) of the following webinar enhancements;

Fun narrator voices. (My hubby is pretty good at funny voices) Nothing says pay attention to me like a webinar read by Arnold Schwarzenegger, or a kooky french accent, or the sexy latin lover. Or even Elmer Fudd! After all the very word "webinar" is right up Elmer's alley.

Or you could have a host of fun animated characters (stick figures drawn by yours truly) who pop up from time to time during the webinar process. Perhaps a little mouse who will make fun balloon animals in the bottom corner of the screen. Or the bowlegged cowboy who swaggers across the screen just to shoot holes in the webinar. Or my favorite - the little old lady who give the finger (no doubt what your poor webinar viewers have wanted to do to you!)

Or the "sound enhancement" package, including farts, burps, and various other and sometimes unidentifiable body sounds (I intend to follow my sons around with a microphone... an hour should yield enough sounds for several webinars)

Sincerely,

Dayle (who has way to much time on her hands, and should be cleaning rather than making up fake letters to companies)